We at Islanders 360 have received a copy of an official petition submitted by Charles Wang to the NHL's corporate headquarters in NYC. The one-page memo seeks the implementation of proposed rules changes "immediately and unilaterally". Our confidential source confirmed that this is an unprecedented move by a team's owner, yet those in power at the NHL are highly intrigued by his suggestions. The following italicized text contains the full contents of Wang's submission.
To Commissioner Bettman:
On behalf of the New York Islanders organization and General Manager Garth Snow, let me first commend you on the fantastic job you have done over the past 15 years as commissioner of the NHL. Our franchise is grateful for the dedication you've shown to the sport and, importantly, it's success on Long Island.
The purpose of this correspondence is to formally request the implementation of some changes to the official rulebook. We are requesting that these measures be enacted immediately and unilaterally.
In short, we propose that the league discontinue the archaic practice of recording wins and losses. Do you realize that the NHL maintained "standings" throughout the Bush Administration? Look it up, it's true. Aren't we all ready for change? I believe the country has answered that question with a resounding YES!
Consider the savings to the league. You no doubt employ a veritable army of accountants to maintain these win-loss ledgers. And how much more manpower have you required since the advent of the "Overtime Loss"? Imagine being able to cut all those bean counters from the payroll! There's also the benefit of increased employee satisfaction. Have you ever seen a player after a loss? He's bummed out. Now, what if you could promise every player he'd never experience the pain from a loss ever again! Imagine the satisfaction!! Besides, what ever happened to playing for the love of the game?
An obvious question is raised - how will we determine who earns the Stanley Cup? We have a solution for that important issue. Ever hear of a little show called American Idol? The American people love to vote on meaningless contests. They eat it up. After each game, you will open a toll-free line (reminding the people these are 888 numbers, not 800 numbers) and allow the country to vote for the team that demonstrated the most grit and character. At the end of the season, the team with the most votes hoists the Cup. No longer will teams that employ skill players be unfairly rewarded.
Should you deem this proposal too controversial, we have an alternative recommendation. End all games after 40 minutes. Earlier finishes will make the game more attractive to the youth of America whose bed-time prevents them from enjoying a full three periods. Growing the young fan-base will ensure the health of the sport for generations to come. It's called good sense.
If that doesn't sell you, here's plan C. The game ends once one team scores 3 goals. Because, um, 3's a magic number.
Thank you for your consideration, and we look forward to the implementation of these suggestions post haste.
Sincerely,
The Wanger
We at I360 applaud these visionary ideas. The ball's in your court, Commissioner. Do the right thing.
MC, clearly frustrated (and joking, in case it's not blatantly obvious)
It's Getting Buggy Again!
13 hours ago
1 comments:
Change?
To borrow from Obama, I say we institute a "spread the wealth" plan where teams with a lot of points give back to those teams with not so many points. This way everything is nice and fair and nobody feels too bad.
Either that, or if you enter the third period with a lead, you get a half point because, well.. you tried hard for most of the game, right?
Post a Comment